10 letters. 10 dreaded letters. 1 word and 10 dreaded letters. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.
Why is this such an embarrasing term? It's so hard for people to talk about because you never want those 10 letters to define you. And they never do. It's the harsh unreality that we put inside our OWN heads that depression defines who we are and how others view us..but in REality, it's actually only the negative thoughts that momentarily trick our thought process to get us down and feeling so low.
Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed. I literally was in bed from 12am on Sunday (morning) til 2pm on Monday afternoon. Yes..it's slightly embarrasing, and at the time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wanted to snap out of it so badly, and I was conscious of my negative thinking, but I just could NOT snap out of it! It affected how I spoke to my family, and that's what got me the worst..I felt as if I couldn't control it..and the guilt of how it affected others just brought me to an ultimate low. When I finally came out of my stuffy cold room, and my funky comforter, my nephew said, "Titi, why were you sleeping all day yesterday?" I didn't know how to answer that, and from that moment on, all I could do is almost burst out in tears anytime anyone spoke to me..I've become scarily good at controlling my tears since my stepdad died...Anyways, I think depression is so much more common than anyone dealing with it realizes.
I'll never forget what one sister in my old congregation told me..."Honey, whenever you are feeling on the verge of being down, get yourself out of the house! Go do something! Take a walk, go to a friends house, grab coffee, ..something!" That is SO true, and if you catch it early, then this technique works WONDERS..but sometimes, when you wait too long to nip it in the bud, it takes a bit more than a walk to cure this sadness. I'm so grateful to be able to talk to Jehovah whenever I need to. Honestly though, I thought I would never be one to feel unworthy to talk to Jehovah because of all my seemingly millions of imperfections, but it happens. Sometimes I just feel so guilty for not giving him my all, for going through more lows than ups spiritually. He deserves my all, and as a dedicated worshipper of him, I can't believe I'd give him anything less..but that's what Satan wants to happen...he wants us to reach that point of not feeling worthy of talking to our loving, forgiving, understanding Father, because once we get to that low point, it's so much easier for us to just give up on it all...in yet Jehovah wants us to always go to him for strength...even when we are feeling like we are at our lowest.. I suppose our own sense of insignificance stems from our imperfections to begin with...
So tomorrow's a new day. And I refuse to throw away one more day of my life feeling sad and disheartened by the course my life has taken thus far. We are all responsible for our own actions and go through various tribulations, but it's how we handle each situation that shows our integrity. I'm not who I wish to become yet, but I hope to be that person someday soon. My goal isn't to make a bazillion hours in service, but to give Jehovah my best...and to ride the highs as they come, and although I am aware that the lows will show their ugly face from time to time, I refuse to ride them.
If anyone else deals with depression, or just feeling insignificant or unworthy...you are not alone! Each day is a new day, and a fresh start to a beautiful life. Smile :)
