Smile : )

10 letters. 10 dreaded letters. 1 word and 10 dreaded letters. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.

Why is this such an embarrasing term? It's so hard for people to talk about because you never want those 10 letters to define you. And they never do.  It's the harsh unreality that we put inside our OWN heads that depression defines who we are and how others view us..but in REality, it's actually only the negative thoughts that momentarily trick our thought process to get us down and feeling so low. 

Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed.  I literally was in bed from 12am on Sunday (morning) til 2pm on Monday afternoon.  Yes..it's slightly embarrasing, and at the time I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I wanted to snap out of it so badly, and I was conscious of my negative thinking, but I just could NOT snap out of it! It affected how I spoke to my family, and that's what got me the worst..I felt as if I couldn't control it..and the guilt of how it affected others just brought me to an ultimate low. When I finally came out of my stuffy cold room, and my funky comforter, my nephew said, "Titi, why were you sleeping all day yesterday?" I didn't know how to answer that, and from that moment on, all I could do is almost burst out in tears anytime anyone spoke to me..I've become scarily good at controlling my tears since my stepdad died...Anyways, I think depression is so much more common than anyone dealing with it realizes.

I'll never forget what one sister in my old congregation told me..."Honey, whenever you are feeling on the verge of being down, get yourself out of the house! Go do something! Take a walk, go to a friends house, grab coffee, ..something!"  That is SO true, and if you catch it early, then this technique works WONDERS..but sometimes, when you wait too long to nip it in the bud, it takes a bit more than a walk to cure this sadness. I'm so grateful to be able to talk to Jehovah whenever I need to.  Honestly though, I thought I would never be one to feel unworthy to talk to Jehovah because of all my seemingly millions of imperfections, but it happens.  Sometimes I just feel so guilty for not giving him my all, for going through more lows than ups spiritually.  He deserves my all, and as a dedicated worshipper of him, I can't believe I'd give him anything less..but that's what Satan wants to happen...he wants us to reach that point of not feeling worthy of talking to our loving, forgiving, understanding Father, because once we get to that low point, it's so much easier for us to just give up on it all...in yet Jehovah wants us to always go to him for strength...even when we are feeling like we are at our lowest.. I suppose our own sense of insignificance stems from our imperfections to begin with...

So tomorrow's a new day. And I refuse to throw away one more day of my life feeling sad and disheartened by the course my life has taken thus far.  We are all responsible for our own actions and go through various tribulations, but it's how we handle each situation that shows our integrity.  I'm not who I wish to become yet, but I hope to be that person someday soon.  My goal isn't to make a bazillion hours in service, but to give Jehovah my best...and to ride the highs as they come, and although I am aware that the lows will show their ugly face from time to time, I refuse to ride them. 

If anyone else deals with depression, or just feeling insignificant or unworthy...you are not alone! Each day is a new day, and a fresh start to a beautiful life. Smile :)

rock bottom..

so..people say you are at your worst when you hit 'rock bottom'..i on the other hand disagree..i think you are at your worst when you are in the middle of bliss and naively unaware that your grasp on reality has slipped through your fingers...that is when i believe you are headed for disaster..

snoozin at convention (a lightweight blog)

So my buddy told me he took Benadryl right before the drama at the convention and I basically went on a rant...and thought it made some sort of sense (try saying that 5x fast)...so I'm going to share it with the world...here goes it...

Him: "So like an idiot today i took 2 benadryl right before the drama at convention. That was fun."

Me: "LOL wow..that's not too smart..why did you take Benadryl?"

Him: "Allergies were crazy and I was snorting and sneezing and sniffling all day.  When it's quiet in the convention that's no good."

Me: "Haha..yea..that's awkward...Almost as awkward as when you fall asleep from taking Benadryl and your head suddenly bobs down quickly and you wake up hoping no one noticed. When in actuality, everyone and their mama noticed, and their silently hoping there is some sort of funny part in the drama so they can laugh at 'it' when they are actually releasing the laughter from watching someone just totally snap their neck from falling asleep and trying to play it off as if it never happened.  Not to mention, being very happy it was not them this time.. Meanwhile, people who saw you, and their mamas, are all now distracted, because, instead of paying attention to the already-hard-to-pay-attention-to drama, they are now waiting for the inevitable moment of that person who took Benadryl to bob their head forward once more.  And maybe, just maybe, the moment will climax when that person..dare I say it..snores!  And then when/if that happens, then, they can for sure L.O.L., without waiting for a rare comedic part in the drama, because it is absolutely obvious that someone else has definitely, probably, seen/heard this not-so-silent embarrasment at last.  So good job of distracting a bunch of people from getting their annual intake of spiritual food! Way to go Sniffles!" ;)

P.S.: After re-writing this, I see how it may have come across as somewhat sarcastic, harsh and maybe a tad rude...but I think it's safe to say that this scenario has happened to just about everyone.  I just got a bit carried away w/my story line...

a moment in time..

It's absolutely amazing to me how one can be in a moment...in the entirely same place, having the same exact conversation w/the company of their choice in yet living an entirely different moment.  This idea was a random thought I had as I was in my home town of Sacramento.  A place some might find boring, uneventful, even dull.  But in my lifetime, I've experienced more joys, heartache, dissapointment, suffering, surprises (good and bad) and acquired essential life skills in Sacramento..this uneventful, dull town...a city to me in which I can have a cup of coffee at a local coffeehouse and feel so much bliss while the company I may be experiencing that moment with may be on a whole other level of emotion. They may be thinking about what they are going to have for dinner, while I, on the other hand, may just have seen an old high school friend, or acquaintance (seeing as I never set out to make friends in high school)...and may be reminiscing in my own subconscious about that one time when I skipped that one class on that one rainy day and never got caught...

It's just amazing how on the other hand, the person I am in company with, may be involved in the same conversation as I am..and indulging in the same blissful cup of joy, that is, of course, probably, something involving espresso...(unless your name is chandani, and you stick to your assortment of herbal tazos or the ever-so-exciting hot coco)..and that person may just be thinking something totally different...
and of course this is my first blog..so if at any point in this one-way conversation I stop making sense (which may have happened after the first sentence..but I really don't mind:), you'll have to forgive me.

And although this blog may never be read by any human being who cares, I'm already noticing how much I enjoy this thing called blogging...It's nice to be able to express myself...I seem to not be able to do so in the actual avenue of speaking.  I'll just go ahead and blame that on this era I regretfully am forced to claim as the technology era...I find it so much easier to express myself in forums such as these...but I suppose I'll have to work on that...anyways..that tis all for now! :)